"We can't allow things that are inaccurate to stand." — The Word of Our Dan, February 19, 2008.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Sycophant of the Month: April 2008

Well, March might have been exciting, but April — wowsers, even excitinger!

Right out of the gate, it was Dianne Whalen announcing highway happiness for Capital City, answered quickly by Skinnnner!, increasing support benefits, and just days later, supporting motherhood and apple pie. Then, finally, Joan Burke, defending monthly champ, gets on the board. At the end of week one, Skinnnner! held a 2-1-1 lead.

Week two started sleepy, and it was Hump Day before Joan Burke finally put one between the poles to tie it up. Tom Marshall got on the big board soon after by reminding everyone of one of Williams Government's eliminations. Joan Burke scored a wobbly point, unsure of whether it's "Provincial Government" or "Williams Government", to end the week, but heck, a point's a point. At the end of week two, she held a slim lead in a crowded field, 3-2-1-1.

Week three was Whalen's, racking up scores through more highway happiness on the 15th and 18th. And no, that re-hashing of St. John's roads money on the 18th wasn't just misleading, it was Informing the People. In between, Jerome Kennedy, who's a little unclear on the use of apostrophes, knocked one in the net. In a shocker, Burke had one clear shot at the goal and missed. Week three ends with the game tied up again, with Burke and Whalen at 2 apiece, ahead of Skinner's 2.

An abbreviated week four started on Tuesday with Joan Burke reclaiming a clear lead, Trevor Taylor getting in on the action, and Williams Government engaging in a bit of self-fluffing. Burke put in an insurance goal the next day, to end scoring for the week. Then everyone went home early. Burke 5, Whalen 3, Skinner 2, Kennedy, Taylor, Marshall, and Williams Government himself, 1 each.

Then the game really began. Week 5. Williams Government! Marshall! "Forgetful" Wiseman! And again! Skinnnner! Williams Government! (with six in on the assists!) And then Burke — oh Burke fumbles! Burke doesn't put it in! No goal! No goal! This could be the turning point, people! Burke fails to make the goal! And it's Taylor! (with five assists!) And Williams Government! And again! (and again with six assists!) And Hickey gets on the board! And closing out the week it's O'Brien! We've never seen a match like this! And Whalen! Again! And another flub by Burke! What a chance, and she misses it again!

And with the final buzzer to close out April, it's Williams Government 5, Joan Burke 5, Dianne Whalen 5 — a three-way tie! Unprecedented! Then Skinner's 3, Wiseman, Marshall, and Taylor 2 each, Kennedy, Hickey and O'Brien bringing up the rear with 1 each.

So it's off to the tie-breaker, which is... the greatest number of budget-release assists. And of our top three tied scorers, it's Joan Burke, having put her name to three other press releases issued under the names and departments of other cabinet ministers, who squeaks out the asterisked victory for April. Some fans won't be happy with that, but rules is rules!

Match summary:

Total number of ProvGov press releases issued in April 2008: 184 (+19 from March)

Total number with the phrase "Williams Government": 27 (+11, for the second month in a row)

Sycophancy index: 14.7% (+5.0%)

For the eight month running, and the ninth time in the past ten months, Joan Burke is your Sycophant of the Month, if on a technicality. Congratulations, Joan!


At 11:43 AM, May 01, 2008 , Blogger Charles Cheeseman said...

Your writing in this post reminds me of TS E.., no TSN. Serious messages, but amusing along the way.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home